The jealousy that I don’t get to say my son’s name like the mothers of living children has ebbed… just in time for the holidays.  I saw a post discussing how we’re keeping our lost children near and got to think about all the lovely ways Atticus is near my heart and my head.

First, I need to tell you that I was at a holiday party this past weekend and the conversation broke so a woman could tell me that Atticus was hanging out over my right shoulder. While I don’t tend to think in that particular sphere, it is also hard for me to believe that life ends with death. It was comforting to hear that someone saw my son’s warmth, staying close to his mama during this hard holiday season.

I tend toward the tangible objects: things he touched, things he wore, the imprints of his hands and feet.  We’ve received lovely ornaments with his photos.  We’ve been decorating with white birds after my husband suggested we house Atticus’ ashes in a porcelain bird.

Then of course, I had his portrait tattooed on my forearm. I have dreams of having living children and being able to see all my babies together.  I imagine cuddling with my family on Saturday mornings and always having Atticus with us. Not many people ask me about it, but I had the sweetest conversation with a little girl who asked why I drew a baby on my arm.  So we talked about things we like to draw and decided we drew things that mean a lot to us.  I told her that he meant a lot to me, so I drew him.  Her mother was very uncomfortable with the conversation in the middle of Williams Sonoma and I loved it.  It was real.  She was interested and unabashed with her questions (and of course, I chose my words very carefully – I’d hate to be disrespectful to her age or her parents).  So different than talking to many adults.

Tomorrow, he’d be 11 months old.  It’s gotten a lot… better? easier? None of those words seem right.  Different. Not quite so raw. The missing has not lessened.  The acceptance has grown.  The disdain for people with “plans” has grown. Even more so when it actually happens.  We had had a plan…

So below are a few of my favorite things that inspire thoughts of Atticus… my favorite moments of the day…


First Person Arts Performance Has Been Posted!

I was sick to my stomach when I walked into “Tell It!”, the First Person Arts class that I enrolled myself into 3 weeks after moving to Philadelphia.  The object of the class was to help frame live storytelling with word choice, dramatic arc, and to leave your listener reassessing some aspect of life they thought they believed.

Annnnnnnnnnnddddddd… you ‘ve got 5 minutes to accomplish it.  Continue reading

Pickling Rebirth

Radishes have no place in my life.

They make my mouth feel like its being punished with a time out at a hippy commune.  Sad cud chewing of spoiled earth and clogs. Continue reading

Christmas Gifts to My Family…

This year, I made a little book of our photos of Atticus to give to our family… I wrote it as much like a children’s story as I could with the intent that we will share Atticus’ story with our future children.  The greatest fear of any parent, is that other will forget the lives of our little children.  Continue reading

Wish Me Luck!

I miss being on my skates so much!

One of my first orders of business after moving to Philly was to check to see when the next tryouts for the Philly Roller Girls would be.  I contacted their PR person and she let me know that they had just decided on the schedule for this fall!

There will be two clinics on 9.25 and 10.23 and then tryouts are 11.20!

I’m so grateful to the Mid Iowa Rollers and all their training and help and support over the last year.  A great group of women… They were incredibly welcoming after we had Atticus but I just wasn’t ready to lace up again.  I’m hoping the extra time, working out and determination will earn me a place on the PRG Fresh Meat team. We got the schedule for local adult skates to brush up on the basic skills, but I’m not too worried about that.  I’m open to all lessons on improving my technique and even better, improving how I hit!

We’re going to a PRG bout on August 27th and I’m already counting the days until I can see them in action!

We Done Moved (to Philly!!)

This girl has been busy. Like making lists for her lists so everything gets done.

And it’s been gettin’ done! Continue reading

Blogs About Happy Happy When Everything Isn’t…

This baby is one month old.

Image via Wikipedia

While I was pregnant I read lots and lots of preggo blogs.  I had no idea what was happening to my body and LORD, people don’t tell you 80% of what pregnancy involves.  They wait until AFTER you are pregnant to start droppin’ bombs. No one told me I’d want to sleep 23 hours a day or that I would be horribly crabby if you dared to wake me up. No one told me about discharge or weird smells or what Braxton Hicks would feel like.

I would see comments about miscarriages or death of a baby and I would feel sad for those women.  Those women who weren’t as healthy as me. Those women who didn’t take care of themselves like I did. Those women who must have done something to not have a perfectly healthy baby. I believed that I was doing things the right way and when you do things the right way, the right outcome happens.

Then my son was born crazy premature and he died 30 days later.

I am one of THOSE women. Continue reading